How to Feel
by Emeronis
Summary: Lucas has to deal with an eating disorder *ELF*
1. Sickness

Lucas turned to his side and tried to ignore the pain in the pit of his stomach. It had been there for weeks, or was it months? He sighed and sat up, dangling his legs over the side of the bed and he jumped down. Tony didn't stir. Sometimes Lucas thought he could sleep through anything. He opened the door to the bathroom and stepped inside, closing it behind him he made sure it was locked securely. The light came on automatically and he looked into the mirror. Worthless, he thought as he looked away. His eyes traveled to the little toilet, his eyes feeling as if they would bust from his skull. Slowly he lifted the seat and sank down to his knees in front of it. The bitter taste stinging the back of his throat as he gagged himself, over and over until the green bile came up out of him. He flushed and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. Tony closed his eyes as Lucas stepped out of the bathroom. Lucas had been doing this for a long time. He waited until he heard a soft snore come from the boy and he stepped out of bed and left the room. He walked down the hall to the Captain's quarters and he knocked softly. In a moment Bridger came to the door, drowsy and questioning. "Piccolo?" his voice sounded horse "Captain, you think I can talk to ya for a minute? I know it's late-" Bridger stepped aside and let Tony walk in, the room was bigger than his and Lucas'. Once he was in Tony turned to the Captain. "I-I came to talk to you. Lucas-I don't know what you'd call it. He-at night when he thinks I'm sleepin' and sometimes I am-he goes into the bathroom and I can hear him-tossing his cookies. I ain't a medical doctor or nothing but I know that ain't right" The Captain turned from the sailor when he spoke, his eyes closed in thought. Have I seen Lucas eat? When was the last time? He turned back to Tony. "Go back to sleep, if you can. I'll deal with this tomorrow." His smile wasn't very convincing but Tony left and went back to the room. He opened the door slowly and entered, the smell of vomit hitting his nostrils. He closed the door and fell into bed, he felt as if he would never sleep. The morning seemed so far away. 


	2. Caught

The alarm buzzed loudly and Lucas woke with a jolt, his head hurt. He rubbed his temples. Climbing out of bed he turned the alarm off. Piccolo was gone, Strange, Tony usually had to be splashed with ice water a couple times to get him to even get out of bed. He trudged to the bathroom and turned on the water, splashing his face a couple times and then finally drying it with a towel. He brushed his teeth quickly and went to dress. The mess hall seemed quiet; he grabbed a bottle of water and an apple. He never ate the apple, he would drop it under the table and only drink the water. As he sat down he noticed Tony, he was sitting next to Ford and Henderson. Lucas didn't even bother to move over there. He missed Ben. "Lucas" He jumped at the sound of his name and then relaxed as Dr. Smith sat next to him, resting her elbow on the table. He smiled, trying to cover up the initial jolt that had passed through him. "Bridger sent me to get you. He wants to see you in Medbay." "Probably has a new specimen for me to study." He stood up, almost spilling the bottle of water as his hip bumped it. Wendy smiled and grabbed it for him, putting the cap back on before handing it to him. They walked in silence and Lucas really didn't mind; he didn't feel like talking to anyone. When they reached Medbay, Bridger was there, waiting for them. Immediately Lucas knew he wasn't summoned here for science. "What's going on here?" He stepped back, staring back and forth from Wendy to Bridger. "It has come to my attention that something is wrong with you." The Captain sighed and shook his head, "And it worries me that I had not seen it before.That I didn't see the obvious." Wendy put her hand on Lucas's arm, "I know what's been happening Lucas, I know about the purging." Lucas pulled away, stepping back more until he hit the Moonpool, "What are you talking about?" his hands shook and for a moment he felt that he would vomit. "You've been getting so thin, you don't look like you've slept in months." Wendy looked at him strangely, as if she were studying him, "Let me only examine you. I only need to see what's wrong." "No!" Lucas's head was spinning. He wasn't sure what was happening but suddenly he felt cold steel on his face and he drifted into dreams. 


	3. To the Hospital

Wendy stepped back from the sleeping boy. Her arms crossed. She just couldn't understand why Lucas would feel the need to do this. The crew had been in and out to see him in the last few hours, Piccolo stayed the longest. The thoughts that came from him were full of guilt. Wendy wanted to comfort him, but she knew he would know she had been reading him.  
  
"How is he?" Bridger said softly from behind her. She twirled around to him and tried to muster up all the courage she had.  
  
"Not good." she looked back to the boy and then to Nathan, "Anorexia Nervosa. I've managed to stabilize him but. He's developed anemia, his throat has been deteriorated by the vomiting. The good news is his teeth aren't decayed. I've taken the liberty of contacting a psychological institution on the eastern coast of the United States. We can get him there in a couple of hours on a shuttle."  
  
"Do it, whatever it takes." Bridger sighed and walked over to the sleeping boy, his hand brushed a few strands of hair out of Lucas's face and smiled, "He needs a haircut."  
  
The shuttle was packed and loaded, ready for departure. Broady insisted on driving and Piccolo and Dagwood also insisted on coming with them. An hour after they had left SeaQuest, Lucas opened his eyes.  
  
"What's going on?" he looked around and then down to the IV in his arm, "Where are you taking me?!?" he rose from the stretcher and ripped the IV from him.  
  
"Lucas!" Wendy cried out and tried to go to him. He flipped the stretcher over and stood behind it.  
  
"Where are we going?!?" He screamed and looked to Tony.  
  
"We're taking you to a doctor Lucas. You're sick."  
  
"I'm not sick! Look at me! I'm fine!"  
  
"Lucas, I don't want you to die, and you will if you don't go." Piccolo tried to reason, "And I hate to do this to you.." He jumped over the stretcher and grabbed Lucas's arms, pinning him down to the floor and holding him there, "Will you stop this? Will you please?"  
  
Lucas couldn't breathe and he couldn't move. He just nodded and Piccolo let go slowly. Lucas sat against the wall and closed his eyes, "I'll go.." 


	4. Lucas Meets Katrina

The shuttle entered the dock and Lucas was shook awake. The walk to the center was a short one. It looked like a doctor's office. After registering they were escorted down a hallway and through a pair of double-doors. Lucas studied the room, there was a desk in the center and two doorways on each side. The nurse at the desk smiled and brought them all into a small room next to the door on the right. There, the nurse sat down with Lucas. The others were told they must leave. Tony sat down Lucas' bags and Wendy tried to hug him with no success.  
  
"Now." The nurse turned to Lucas, "I have to ask you some questions. You don't have to answer them but it will just take you longer to get out of here." She lowered her gaze, "You want to get out don't you honey?"  
  
He nodded and smiled. She was a big black woman, as round as she was tall. Her short hair was back in a tie.  
  
"How much do you weigh? And how tall are you?"  
  
"Eighty-five pounds.. Five-foot ten."  
  
She wrote it down,"Have you ever purged after eating?"  
  
He nodded and again she checked it on the paper.  
  
"Do you ever eat a lot and then purge?"  
  
Lucas shook his head, again she checked it on the paper.  
  
This ritual went on for about half an hour until she smiled and told him they were done.  
  
"You're an anorexic baby, but don't worry about that, you'll be fine." She shuffled through her numerous sheets of paper and handed him a packet, "This is information about your disease, and you'll be seeing Doctor Lambeth. You'll like him sweetie." She stood up and picked up his bags, motioning for him to follow her.  
  
She nodded to another nurse behind the desk who pressed a switch to let the door open. Lucas followed the nurse into the door right of the desk. There was a long hallway and as he walked he realized there was a kitchen to the left, along with a TV room with four couches. At the moment there was no one out and Lucas wondered if he was the only one here. The nurse stopped at one of the doors and opened it. Inside were two beds, two lockers, a bathroom and a desk with a computer.  
  
"There are no mirrors, there are no curtains, your shoes will be confiscated from you in an hour. Every 4 hours your meds will be taken. You will be checked on ever hour on the hour at night. Razors can only be used for an hour under supervision in the morning and bathroom time is limited to one minute. There is an alarm if you go over that minute. When taking a bath the door must stay open. No going into any of the other rooms either. Got it?" the sudden burst of rules left Lucas bewildered but he nodded.  
  
"Am I the only person here?"  
  
"No, it's nap time. There are three a day, thirty minutes each." She glanced at her watch, "There's only about five minutes left in this one. You should unpack." She set his bags down on the closest bed and left him.  
  
He pulled off his shoes and had just finished unpacking when she came to the door again to tell him everyone was up. Lucas followed her to the family room, there were only eight people in the room. Out of that eight there were only two guys. The others were girls, not the sweet, carefree girls he remembered from High School and Collage. These girls were different.  
  
"Come on baby doll." There came a voice, it wasn't the nurse who had brought him into the room, but another one. She was a pretty woman. Black like the other but with the softest green eyes he had ever seen, "Sit there."  
  
She had pointed to a spot next to a dark haired girl. He sat down, trying not to look too much at the other patients. He felt so out of place.  
  
"I'm Katrina, but everyone here calls me Trina. What's your name honey?"  
  
"L-Lucas." He stuttered, looking down.  
  
"Well, Lucas, right now we are going to have group therapy. It's the same thing every day. I didn't invent it so don't get upset with me. You can listen and after everyone is done you can go." Her attention turned to the dark-haired girl next to him.  
  
After group, everyone was allowed some time to kill before food was ready. Lucas trudged back to his room and sat on the bed. The package that the nurse had given him was lying next to him. He picked it up, reading the heading 'Anorexia Nervosa'  
  
"What the hell, like I've got better things to do with my time." he flipped the title page over and started reading:  
  
'Anorexia Nervosa- NOUN: A psycho-physiological disorder usually occurring in young women that is characterized by an abnormal fear of becoming obese, a distorted self-image, a persistent unwillingness to eat, and severe weight loss. Self-induced vomiting, excessive exercise, malnutrition, anemia, and other physiological changes often accompany it.'  
  
"Lucas."  
  
He jumped at the sound of his name and Katrina laughed, "Time to eat."  
  
"I-I can't. It won't stay." He looked at her pleadingly and she pulled a small bottle from her pocket.  
  
"I thought you'd say that." She poured it into a small cup and handed it to Lucas. "It calms your nerves and stomach. Helps you keep food down."  
  
Lucas stared at the green liquid for a moment before drinking it. It was bittersweet but he didn't mind.  
  
"Come on handsome, food's ready." she walked with him to the kitchen where a few of the kids were eating.  
  
He was given a small bowl of broth. It was only Luke-warm, he was glad of it. His throat was too sore to eat anything hot.  
  
"You don't have to eat it all, just as much as you can." She rubbed his back, "You'll only have liquids for a week, then if you keep them down you can have soft solids."  
  
"Have you ever. I mean, were you ever." Lucas tried to ask but stopped as soon as her head nodded.  
  
"I was in here for Anorexia five years ago. Every nurse in here was treated for an eating disorder at one point."  
  
After eating all of the patients were brought into the family room. Katrina stood on a chair and lifted a CD.  
  
"I have an assignment for you all." There was an assortment of groans from the group and she continued, "I'm going to give each of you a CD. On this CD I want you to burn a few songs that represent how you feel about your life, any aspect of it. But I want you to choose the one that is most like how you feel. One week from today we will play these songs for the group and you will have to tell us why you chose this song." 


	5. Bleed

He sat back in the chair and rubbed his eyes, he had been searching for the perfect song. None of the music was any good, Lucas sighed and sat up again. He'd been in this place for two weeks and yet he was only at 90 pounds. He felt small and weak, like he'd never be able to please everyone.  
  
"Just please yourself."  
  
He twirled to the door, he hadn't thought he was talking out loud. Adriana, something about her wasn't right. She was as tall as he, but she weighed scarcely more then he had before he had arrived.  
  
"I don't think I even know how anymore." he turned from her and looked back at the computer screen. She still stood at the doorway of his room and smiled. It was seven-thirty. The nurses would shout for the lights to be out at eight. Right now they were eating, and the patients had thirty minutes of calm time. Adriana looked down the hallway and then stepped inside of his room.  
  
"Here, how about this." she slipped a disk into the computer and a window came up. She clicked one of the many files and straightened up, "I heard this song and. I-I thought maybe you hadn't heard it before."  
  
The music started, acoustic guitar, then an electric. A man started singing.  
  
"I'm feelin' crossed I take it inside Burn up the pain, my thoughts are strange"  
  
Adriana took Lucas' right hand and he looked up at her. Her green eyes seemed to sparkle. He stood up and she wrapped her arms around his thin shoulders.  
  
"Just like the things I used to love Just like the tree that fell, I heard it If art is still inside, I feel it"  
  
He looked at her, slowly wrapping his arms around her waste. Her head was laying on his shoulder.  
  
"I wanna bleed, show the world all that I have inside I wanna scream, let the blood flow that keeps me alive."  
  
She pulled up and stared into his eyes, "We can stop."  
  
"No" he shook his head, "No."  
  
Her head layed upon his shoulder again and they danced.  
  
"Take all those strings they call my veins Wrap them around every f*cking thing Presence of people not for me Well, I must remain in tune forever My love is music, I will marry melody"  
  
Lucas smiled, even though his legs were trembling. He kissed her hair and sighed.  
  
"I wanna bleed, show the world all that I have inside I wanna scream, let the blood flow that keeps me alive I wanna feel, I wanna scream, I wanna bleed"  
  
"Thank you." he said softly into her hair.  
  
She put her head up, "What for?"  
  
"This." Lucas bent his head and brushed his lips on hers. She shuddered and he pulled away, "What's wrong?"  
  
Her head shook, "Nothing, nothing's wrong now." Her hands stroked the back of his head, softly pulling him down to her.  
  
"Won't you let me take you for a ride You can stop the world try to change my mind Won't you let me show you how it feels?"  
  
The kiss lasted longer this time, Lucas felt as if his legs would go out from beneath him. Her lips were so soft, so warm and sweet.  
  
"You can stop the world But you won't change me I need music to set me free To let me bleed."  
  
As the music stopped Lucas realized she had to go. She shouldn't be here. But oh, he wanted this. This is what he had craved, what he had prayed for, his hands went to grab her hair, both of his hands worked their way through the mop of dark hair. She sighed and pulled away.  
  
"You're right. I have to go."  
  
He narrowed his eyes at her as she left, "He hadn't said that. There was no way she could have." 


	6. Therapy

**** I didn't own the song on the last post. It was "Bleed" by Cold. The one in this chapter is "You Owe Me Nothing In Return" by Alanis Morissette.  
"Lucas. It's your turn sweetheart." Katrina smiled and Lucas reluctantly made his way to the CD Player. He quickly dropped the CD into it and sat back down. The song started:  
  
"I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it  
  
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it  
  
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it  
  
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it  
  
(and there are no strings attached to it)  
  
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give  
  
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have  
  
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege  
  
And you owe me nothing in return  
  
You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it  
  
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it  
  
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it  
  
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it  
  
(and there are no strings attached to it)  
  
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give  
  
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have  
  
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege  
  
And you owe me nothing in return  
  
I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop  
  
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up  
  
I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt  
  
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is  
  
You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it  
  
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with  
  
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion I'll hear it  
  
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it  
  
(and there are no strings attached)  
  
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give  
  
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have  
  
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege  
  
And you owe me nothing in return."  
  
Katrina reached over and stopped the CD. The room was so quiet that Lucas thought his head would burst.  
  
"Could you tell us why you chose this song?"  
  
He sighed and looked to Adriana and then back to Katrina, trying to ignore all the eyes that he felt on him. "I looked for a song that I could connect with." He paused, letting his own words sink in, "But I realized that I was looking at all the wrong songs. I looked at all the songs that talked about pain and regret and-and disappointment. But not about what I really feel. I chose this song because. All my life, people have taken me for granted. They all expected my to deal with their problems, to listen to them and to help them, or to just shut up. No one ever thought I had problems of my own, or if they did no one wanted to hear about it. But I never said anything, I kept it all in because I was afraid. I thought that if I said anything they didn't like they'd leave me. Some of them left me anyway."  
  
"Honey, you are sweet and kind and smart. People think that since you are kind that nothing is wrong." Katrina crossed her legs.  
  
"I'll I've ever wanted was to be loved."  
  
Katrina stood and walked over to him, kneeling on the floor in front of him, "It's not love if you have to be a completely different person to have it."  
  
It had been 2 months, Lucas weighed 115, his weight wasn't climbing like it should but he was trying. Sometimes he felt as if he couldn't try anymore. Katrina called the SeaQuest and scheduled a group therapy session. They were all coming, Bridger, Wendy, Piccolo, Ford, and O'Neill.  
  
When Katrina came to get Lucas, she smiled and told him not to worry. She brought him out the doors and into the front office, he caught a glimpse of the sun through the windows. She brought him into a little room, and he couldn't breathe as he saw them. She sat down on a chair and motioned for him to sit on another one by her side opposite of them.  
  
"Lucas." Wendy sighed, trying to make him look up at her. When he didn't she sank back into her chair and quieted.  
  
"We are here today to begin to heal any anger and hurt between all of you." Katrina smiled, "Lucas has come a long way in the past few months, I'm very proud of him. You should be too."  
  
"We are." Bridger looked to her, "We always have been."  
  
"Why did you do this?" Tony demanded, "Why in the world would you make yourself so sick? We've all worried about you so much."  
  
"WHY? You want to know why? Because of that! Because the moment I show that I feel anything you all accuse me of doing it just to spite you!" Lucas retorted, Katrina put her hand onto his to calm him.  
  
"I think what Piccolo is trying to say. badly.. Is that we're worried, and that we're angry with ourselves." O'Neill tried to explain, "We were just so busy with ourselves that no one even noticed that you were unhappy."  
  
"No one ever notices anything I do except the bad."  
  
Ford shook his head, "When you invented the vocorder, didn't we all notice? We all care about you Lucas, we named the Stinger after you!" He closed his eyes and seemed to regain his calm, "We just want you to get better, we miss you."  
  
"Yeah, I don't have anyone to fight with anymore!" Tony chimed in and smiled, "Everyone acts like their eighty-years old. Me and Dag have to figure things out by ourselves. Face it kid, you're the brains in our operation."  
  
Lucas smiled and nodded, "I'm trying. It's just hard."  
  
"Just do your best, we'll always be there if you need us. Even if we're oblivious." Bridger laughed.  
  
"Am I late?" The door swung open and one Benjamin Krieg slipped in, "I know I wasn't invited but a little birdie told me where to find you."  
  
"Ben!" Lucas cried and ran to him, throwing his arms around his neck.  
  
"Hey Kid, I hope I'm not intruding cuz I can see this is a SeaQuest group and I'm not exactly in the club any more."  
  
"No, it's fine. But ah. Time's almost up.." Lucas looked at his friend, "I missed you Ben."  
  
"Missed you too. I'll write okay?" he smiled and opened the door again.  
  
"Yeah, ok." Lucas tried to smile as Ben left, followed by the crew who all hugged him and told him to 'Get better soon'  
  
Katrina brought Lucas back just in time for dinner. Adriana looked up and smiled as he walked in. She motioned for him to come and sit near her.  
  
"So how'd it go?" She had gained weight too, but not nearly as much. She just now was at 93 pounds.  
  
"Okay. I-I think it went okay." 


	7. Love

"You've got mail Luke." Katrina smiled and waved the letter in the open, "To a Mr. Lucas Wolenczak from a Mr. Benjamin Krieg." He laughed and grabbed the envelope, tearing it apart and consuming the first few lines.  
  
"Lucas, read it out loud." Adriana chirped from the couch across from him. A few of the others nodded and smiled, "If you don't mind.. We hardly ever get any mail." Lucas nodded and cleared his throat, the letter was long and thankfully Ben had somewhat legible penmanship.  
  
" 'Lucas,  
  
Hey Kid. I told you I'd write, bet you thought I forgot. Truth is, I didn't really know what to say. I remembered how sarcastic you were and how solid you seemed to be. What happened Lucas? Why did you feel the need to hurt yourself in any way? You're smart, and funny, and you have so much to give. But you have a gift, and with gifts comes a responsibility to that gift. I know you're thinking you never asked to be a genius, but you are. I'm not the smartest guy, I don't have enough common sense to fill a thimble but I know things. You've got another gift besides your brain. Your heart. Lucas, you have the uncanny ability to make everyone around you love you. You do this not because you listen or give all that you have, but because you care. I'm not good with words, I don't know the right words to say to make you feel better about anything. I just told you how I felt. Don't try to rush anything there, just do what you can when you can and that's enough. I'll see you around Luke.  
  
Ben'"  
  
Lucas closed the letter and stood up, looking at the other quickly before going to his room. He didn't really want to see anyone right now. Ben was the last person he had ever expected to say things from the heart. Lucas pulled down the soft sheets and laid down, he would be back to his normal weight in a few months. Then he would have to go. As he drifted into sleep he forgot his thoughts.  
  
He woke as he felt someone sit on the edge of his bed. It was dark, night he guessed. Lucas sat up, it was too dark to see the figure on the edge of the bed.  
  
"Lucas." Adriana's voice pierced through the still of the room and Lucas smiled to himself.  
  
"I'm here." He reached out and pulled her to him, holding her thin frame in his arms. She turned to kiss him and he laid back. Her hands seeming to search his body, and in a moment that seemed to only last a moment she parted from him and shed her nightgown. Lucas sucked in a sharp breath, he was thankful she could not see him. He knew he was blushing. Her soft laugh came to him and he laughed too. She grabbed his hands and pulled him up to her. Her silky hands pulling his shirt over his head and kissing the tender flesh of his shoulder. A shiver traveled down his spine. She pulled at the pajama pants and they slid off of him easily. As they laid together, she did something Lucas had never felt. And he knew that at that moment they were together. She made noises he had never heard and he felt as though his body would melt and explode at the same time. And after, they laid together in a perfect calm. And they slept. 


	8. Wake Me

The song is "Lovesong" by the Cure.  
  
"Whenever I'm alone with you  
  
You make me feel like I am home again  
  
Whenever I'm alone with you  
  
You make me feel like I am whole again"  
The alarm clock went off and Lucas sat up with a bolt, shutting it off and laying back down. She was still there, eyes cracked open slightly. His arm went around her waste and he kissed her.  
  
"Why haven't we been caught?" She whispered into the pillow, he looked around, the door was still closed from last night and no one had come in to do the nightly checks.  
  
"I don't know." he rubbed his eyes with the back of his right hand.  
  
Lucas swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up, he grabbed his disregarded pants and slipped them on. It was eight in the morning, they wouldn't call everyone to get up for thirty minutes. He found a shirt and pulled it on, brushing his hair back with his hands before entering the bathroom and brushing his teeth.  
  
Adriana walked in sleepily, wearing her nightgown again.  
  
"I'm gonna go back to my room." she yawned and he nodded, smiling.  
"Sleep well?" Katrina asked, eyebrows raised.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Did she?" Lucas smiled shyly at her question and nodded, "I thought so."  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
It had been two months in the institution, Lucas weighed 135. Katrina had said wanted him to at least, weigh 145 pounds. He figured only a few more weeks and they'd send him back to SeaQuest. But he didn't want to leave, in his heart, he didn't think he could.  
  
It was a Monday morning that it happened, he was woken by Katrina a little after three o'clock. He didn't believe her, he just shook his head and closed his eyes. He told her she was lying to him, it couldn't be. There was no way it was true. But it was, and he knew it.  
  
The people from the coroner's office came, they covered it.. the body.. the.. thing. with a sheet and brought it out. The shell.. Her shell. Lucas could smell the blood, taste it. The sheet was red, so red. His stomach turned and he threw up, at least he thought he threw up. He could still smell the blood in the other room.  
  
There were men, a few of them. He was being pulled somewhere, into a room he had never seen. The walls were soft and they put a jacket on him, Katrina was there. She said they just didn't want him to hurt himself. That it would come off when he calmed down.  
  
"I am calm! Why shouldn't I be calm?!" He told them.  
  
Blood. He could see it, he could smell it still. As if it were all over him. Blood. Her blood. They gave him a shot, it burned and he sat down against the wall. He was tired, so tired. When did he sleep last? Nothing, there was nothing. No memory. He could feel water on his face. Was he crying? Were these tears?  
  
He slept. Dreams came to him as he slumbered. Her, the hair. That raven hair, so soft. He could smell her skin and taste her lips. She was there, with him. Oh. She smelled so good. Like soap and rose water. But there was blood now, so much blood. She raised her arms to his face. The blood smeared on his cheeks. She was cold. Ice. She felt like ice. No, this is a dream. Wake up.  
  
White room, no jacket. Arms can't move. No one in sight. Alone, he was alone. Then there was sound. Was he making sound? Yes, he was yelling. It was him! The sound, that wail. That was coming from his mouth. From his lungs. Someone came and gave him another shot. He felt sick, his mouth was dry and his lips were cracked. No more blood. Not anymore. 


	9. Reality

NOTE: I've had some complaints about the love story. But anyone who doesn't like the story doesn't have to read it. But those who have given me such good reviews: Thank you very much. I've worked hard on this. But I work on it late at night so it's not as good as it should be. Sorry. Anywho, back to the story.  
When he woke up again he was in his room. The clock read five fifteen PM. He sat up, the pounding in his head got worse. He was dirty and sick, but he didn't care. When he stood, he realized his legs were shaking. Not just his legs. all of him.  
  
The hall was empty, and the floor was cold and hard under his feet. Lucas opened the door to the other room. The room with the sign that said not to enter. It smelled like cleaning solution. The carpet had dark spots on it, small ones and then one big one near the door.  
  
"She just couldn't stop bleeding. We didn't even know that she was purging. It's our job. To know." Katrina was at the doorway.  
  
Lucas nodded and walked into the bathroom, there wasn't even a stain. Her shampoo was still there. And her hairbrush was still sitting on the sink. He didn't realize he had picked it up until afterward. In the room, the bed was made but her book was still on the nightstand. They no one had come to pick up her belongings.  
  
"Tell me-this doesn't happen." Lucas kneeled on the floor, "Please. Just tell me life isn't like this."  
  
"I can't." Katrina didn't move to touch him, "Life is like this. sometimes. Sometimes it's not. There are always good times, along with the bad."  
  
"What happened? Did she." he didn't even know how to ask the question, but he needed to know, "Did she do it on purpose?"  
  
"She had been throwing up in the garbage, she never threw up much. She didn't eat much. So we didn't know.But she just. There was a hole, the stomach acid had eaten through her throat. When I found her she was trying to breathe through the blood." Katrina swallowed the lump in her throat and turned, Lucas could hear her footsteps down the hallway.  
  
He was alone, and it stung. He stood up and laid on the bed, perhaps it was his imagination, but it smelled like her. And in a hazy area between reality and dreams he thought that he could feel her hand on his cheek. He didn't want to cry, he didn't want to let it in. But he knew it was true, he knew that she was gone. But now, he just wanted to sleep. To forget for a moment. 


	10. Truth

They had let him sleep in her old room. Katrina had thought he needed it. He hadn't eaten anything by mouth in three days. When he woke again they gave him a bowl warm soup, that of which he promptly vomited up afterwards. Katrina worried for him, but there was nothing she could do for him, she couldn't bring Adriana back no matter how hard she tried. The only thing she could do was make sure he ate and wait for him to heal.  
  
No one came to collect Adriana's belongings. There were so few of them that it didn't really matter. Katrina had the morbid job of throwing away the girls things. Then, in the drawer next to the bed, she found a journal. It was old, and beaten, bound in leather. There was no lock on it, only two strips that were tied to the front and back covers. She couldn't bring herself to throw it away, this girl who had her whole life ahead of her had written everything in this book. Her deepest secrets and her darkest pains were written within these pages.  
  
Katrina put down the trash bag and stood up, holding the seemingly frail book in her hands. She glided to the doorway and walked into the hall. The patients were gathered in the family room watching television, Lucas was there. Katrina knew he wasn't watching the screen, she knew he was only looking at it with minimal fascination. He looked so pale to her, and he hadn't been sleeping much. When he did she could hear him wake up screaming.  
  
"Can I borrow you for a moment Lucas?" She said this just loud enough for the boy to shake himself from his thoughts and look at her. His blue eyes were bloodshot and his blond hair greasy. He stood and walked to her, rubbing the back of his neck as she had seen him do so often. When he reached her she started walking down the hall to the door of his room, he followed shyly and stood a few feet away from her.  
  
"I have something for you, I couldn't think to throw it away." She held the journal out to him.  
  
"What's this?" He asked, furrowing his eyebrows and pursing the petal lips ever so slightly.  
  
"Her journal. I thought it was only appropriate to give it to you."  
  
He took it from her with his shaking hands, and she kissed his forehead and smiled before she began to walk back to Adriana's old room. He turned and opened the door to his room, making sure to close it behind him before he sat at his desk.  
  
Lucas untied the straps and opened to the first page. The writing was sloppy but legible, and he began reading.  
  
'This is my first entry in this. I'm not sure exactly what to write. I suppose I should write who I am. My name is Adriana Melia O'Henry. I was born in Galway Ireland and I am at this moment 14 years old. Well, that should do for now, considering that no one will ever read this anyway. Ha. Maybe one day thousands of years from now an alien will find it and translate it to study the life of humans.'  
  
The page suddenly stopped with a line and another entry was made, there were no dates. Just ramblings, like she had poured out her thoughts without reason. Lucas flipped to the last few entries and his eyes caught his name on the page:  
  
'Lucas, the new one in here. I saw him come in with one of the nurses a few years ago. I should have been asleep but I knew something was coming. He's cute, cuter than most of the guys I know. When he came in for group the first day Katrina sat him next to me, he was nervous. He didn't look at anyone for any amount of time, like he was afraid someone would hurt him or something. I can hear him thinking sometimes, late at night when everyone is sleeping except him and I. He thinks about this submarine, SeaQuest. I've heard of it, but who hasn't heard of it? I can hear him thinking of people on that ship, I only remember Ben, he thinks about that man a lot. Sometimes I see these people, they look so nice. And the way he thinks of them like a family, I wish I had something like that.'  
  
Again there was a line and another entry was made:  
  
'Katrina gave us an assignment. We have to find a song that symbolizes our life. Lucas is my partner; he's kinda quiet. I try to talk to him but he just seems like he's so far away. I know he likes me, I like him too. I just have this feeling about him. I went a played a song for him, one that I thought he would like. We danced to it, and I'm not sure exactly how it happened but we kissed. I heard him thinking that we could get caught and that I should not be there. I think he knows that I'm a reader. I didn't mean to but I told him he was right and I left. He hasn't said anything.'  
  
She read minds, Lucas had thought that maybe she did. She had known him better than he thought. Slowly, he turned the page and a small disk fell out. He picked it up and read the writing on the small cover 'Lucas' He laid it onto the desk and continued reading, this was the last entry and it was probably the neatest:  
  
'A few weeks ago I went to Lucas' room. I don't know why, I just had a sudden rush of panic and I felt as if I needed to be near him. When I got to his room he was asleep, I stood there for a moment, listening to him breathing. When I sat down on the bed he stirred, I said his name because I could hear his fear. He pulled me to him and one thing led to another. I'm pregnant; I got one of the nurses to buy a test for me. I told her it was negative. I don't know how to tell him, this shouldn't happen. I'm too thin to be pregnant, it's dangerous for me and the baby.'  
  
The blond boy closed the journal and stood up, he slammed the door open and stormed down the hallway. Hearing the noise, Katrina came running out of the family room.  
  
"You lied to me!" Lucas screamed, not caring who heard him, "You told me she died from her throat! You knew she was pregnant and you didn't tell me!"  
  
"Lucas I'm sorry-"  
  
"Tell me the truth! How did she die Katrina? How?" He was on the verge of striking her but he held it back.  
  
"She miscarried Lucas, she started bleeding and didn't stop. Being Anorexic thins your blood, she bled to death." She looked away from him and closed her eyes, "I didn't want you to feel guilty for her death."  
  
"I felt guilty anyway! Knowing this does not make me feel any less guilty Katrina!" He paused, taking a breath, "But now I know the truth. And I'm leaving."  
  
Katrina opened her eyes and looked at him, "You can't.."  
  
"I weigh 148, I think you were the one who said I could leave when I reached 145." She nodded and he continued, "I am going back to the SeaQuest. Arrange it." He turned from her and walked back to his room, closing the door loudly behind him.  
  
As he had told her, she did arrange for someone to come and pick him up. She told them nothing about Adriana or the troubles that had occurred. The Captain informed her that Benjamin Krieg would arrive at ten in the morning to pick Lucas up from the institution and from there to a shuttle that would carry them both to the SeaQuest.  
  
Lucas woke in the morning and bathed and dressed in a hurry. By the time he pulled his bag out of the room it was 9:45. Ben, strangely, was early. He walked the boy out of the doors and into the parking lot. Lucas closed his eyes and breathed in the warm air; he hadn't been outdoors in six months. Ben threw the bags into the back and climbed into the drivers' seat, Lucas following his lead sat in the passengers' side.  
  
After about five minutes on the road Ben looked at him, "Are you going to tell me what's wrong or do I have to guess?" He looked back to the road, changing lanes quickly after a small white car passed.  
  
"No. I'm not going to tell you."  
  
"Well, you're either going to tell me or I'm going to drag it out of you. Either way, I'm going to know why you look like the whole world is on your shoulders."  
  
Lucas shook his head, "You can badger me all you want Ben. I'm not telling."  
  
The car swerved to the side of the road and came to a dead stop. Lucas gasped and looked to Ben who was unbuckling his seatbelt.  
  
"What in the hell do you think you are doing?" Lucas yelled, he couldn't finish before Ben grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him close.  
  
"I'm not good at seeing my friends hurting Luke. I'm serious, I can't handle it if you get sick again. You're going to tell me what the problem is. And we will wait here until you do. I don't have anything better to do." Ben was deadly still and his voice calm and collected.  
  
Lucas' eyes filled absent-mindedly with tears and Ben let go. The boy opened the car door and jumped out, leaning on the side of the car. Ben stood up on the seat and climbed over the edge of the car and stood next to Lucas.  
  
"I'm sorry Lucas. I didn't mean-"  
  
"No. You're right. I need to talk to you. If I don't talk, I think I might explode." He took a deep breath and continued, "There was this girl, Adriana. In the institution, she made me happy Ben. I fell for her. I loved her. We were together a few weeks ago. I mean that we-"  
  
"I know what you mean. Go on."  
  
"Well, a few days ago she died." Lucas closed his eyes tightly and opened then again, "The nurse lied to me about how she died. I-I read Adriana's journal. The nurse had given it to me. Ade was pregnant, but she was so thin. She lost it. And she couldn't stop bleeding. She bled to death. And it's my fault."  
  
Ben's eyes widened and he shook his head, "That wasn't in your hands. What could you have done?"  
  
"I don't know!" He threw his hands up, "Something. I would have done something. But when I found out she died. I went insane. I couldn't think straight, I was just."  
  
Ben put his arms around Lucas and held the sobbing boy. This boy of whom he had loved from the first time he saw him. After a while the sobbing ceased and Lucas pulled away from him.  
  
"I think we should get going. What time does the shuttle leave?"  
  
"Bridger said to take our time and that the shuttle would we waiting for us tomorrow morning." Ben smiled and looked up to the sky and back to Lucas, "You hungry?"  
After they had eaten Ben checked them into a hotel. They were both tired even though it was three in the afternoon. The room had two beds and as soon as they had opened the door Lucas collapsed onto one. After a few minutes Ben could hear a few soft snores coming from the blond. He pulled off his own shoes and shirt and crawled under the covers quickly falling asleep as well. 


	11. Rain

Lucas woke with a jolt. In his dreams he had seen the blood, and her lying on the floor. He glanced over to see Ben asleep in his bed, it was 8:32 PM. Lucas stood up and stretched, the room as cool and the only light came from the open bathroom door.  
  
"You slept like a log." Ben's voice was gruff and filled with usual sleepy slurs.  
  
Lucas smiled a little and sat on the edge of Ben's bed. The older man hadn't changed a bit since he had last seen him. Same sweet smile, same witty attitude. Lucas sighed and looked away, he couldn't do this. Adriana was dead, he couldn't betray her only a few days after.  
  
"What is it?" Ben sat up frowning and Lucas shook his head, "What? What's wrong?"  
  
Lucas stood up and Ben grabbed his arm tightly, pulling him down to the bed again. Their faces so close together that Lucas had to back away a little. He couldn't do this, he couldn't show any of these feelings he had for Ben, the feelings that he had always had for Ben.  
  
"Why can't you look at me Lucas?" Ben touched the boys chin and turned his head. Lucas closed his eyes, biting his bottom lip until he tasted blood. He couldn't give in to temptation, he knew this was harder because of the grief. He had to control his feelings about this.  
  
"Open your eyes- Please." The boy gulped and peered out to Ben from under his long eyelashes. The older man was flushed, and his eyes were fixed on Lucas's bleeding mouth.  
  
"You-you have the prettiest mouth." Ben moved his thumb over the pink bottom lip and wiped away the droplets of blood, "It's just so-"  
  
Lucas abruptly brushed his lips over Ben's to quiet him. When he pulled away the dark-haired man reached up and stroked away a few hairs from Lucas's tender face.  
  
"You never stop surprising me Luke." Ben smiled, "Do it again."  
  
Lucas could hear the want in the Lieutenants voice and he bent over and kissed him again. This time it was firmer and much longer. After a few minutes Ben tore the thin shirt from Lucas's chest and laid the boy down. Lucas closed his eyes and let Ben wash over him. He felt the caresses and kisses as he had never felt them with anyone before, it seemed like he had never really felt them at all.  
  
They spent the whole day in that hotel room and never even stepped out of the bed. Sometime during those hours Lucas knew that everything on the nightstand was knocked off and the radio turned on. He didn't listen to it, he listened to the steady breathing from Ben and he listened to the rumble of cars outside. It seemed to him that everything after a while faded away except the two of them together. Nothing else mattered but the two of them.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
"I'm coming, I'm coming home to you  
  
I'm alive I'm a mess.  
  
I can't wait to get home to you,  
  
To get warm, warm and undressed."  
  
Lucas smiled into the groove in Ben's neck. He loved this song, yet he couldn't remember the first time he had heard it, but that really didn't matter. He softly sang along as they lay there on that bed. Ben chuckling softly, running his long fingers through the soft golden hairs on the boy's head and then down his back and up again in a rythmic motion.  
  
"There've been changes beyond my dreams,  
  
Everybody wants me to sing.  
  
There've been changes beyond my grasp,  
  
Things I'm sinking in.  
  
So keep me, keep me,  
  
In your bed all day, all day.  
  
Nothing heals me like you do.  
  
Nothing heals me like you do."  
  
Ben remembered this song, he should as often as Lucas had played it. He even remembered the words which was strange yet comforting to him. So he sang as he had seen Lucas do so many times. Yet he couldn't help thinking faintly that he didn't even know they played this song on the radio. It was so old, he figured they must have knocked it onto the oldies station.  
  
"And when somebody knows you well,  
  
Well there's no comfort like that.  
  
And when somebody needs you,  
  
Well there's no drug like that.  
  
So keep me, keep me,  
  
In your bed all day, all day.  
  
Nothing heals me like you do.  
  
Keep me keep me,  
  
In your bed all day, all day.  
  
Nothing heals me like you do."  
  
The rain started pouring outside, softly at first and then harder. The sound made Lucas remember the nights when he was alone in his room before he was thrown on the SeaQuest. He loved the rain, not many people knew that. He didn't tell anyone, but he told Ben. And the older man smiled at this, not in a mocking or silly way, but in a way that Lucas thought meant he understood.  
  
"And when I'm home, curled in your arms,  
  
And I'm safe again.  
  
I'll close my eyes and sleep, sleep,  
  
To the sound of London Rain.  
  
So keep me, keep me,  
  
In your bed all day, all day.  
  
Nothing heals me like you do.  
  
Keep me keep me,  
  
In your bed all day, all day.  
  
Nothing heals me like you do.  
  
Nothing heals me like you do.  
Nothing falls like London Rain,  
  
Nothing heals me like you do.  
  
Nothing falls like London Rain,  
  
Nothing heals me like you do.  
  
Nothing falls like London Rain,  
  
Nothing heals me like you do."  
  
As the song ended Lucas listened to the patter of the rain. He was warm and sleepy.And he felt safe with Ben. Like nothing could hurt him as long as he was in this place. This perfect place. Tomorrow they would have to go to the SeaQuest, but he just paid attention to this moment with Ben. And for once- Lucas felt something he knew must be happiness. 


	12. Morning

*The last song was "London Rain", this one is "Slide" Thank you all for your great feedback. I know a lot of the last chapter was a surprise but I like to keep you on your toes. I'm not finished just yet*  
  
*~*~*~*~*~* "Could you whisper in my ear  
  
The things you want to feel?  
  
I'll give you anything  
  
To feel it coming Do you wake up on your own  
  
And wonder where you are?  
  
You live with all your faults I wanna wake up where you are  
  
I won't say anything at all  
  
So why don't you slide?  
  
Yeah we're gonna let is slide Don't you love the life you killed?  
  
The priest is on the phone  
  
Your father hit the wall  
  
Your ma disowned you  
  
Don't suppose I'll ever know  
  
What it means to be a man  
  
Something I can't charge  
  
I'll live around it I wanna wake up where you are  
  
I won't say anything at all  
  
So why don't you slide?  
  
Mmmmm, slide And I'll do anything you ever  
  
Dreamed to be complete  
  
Little pieces of the nothing that, fall  
  
May put your arms around me  
  
What you feel is what you are  
  
And what you are is beautiful Run away And I'll do anything you ever  
  
Dreamed to be complete  
  
Little pieces of the nothing that, fall  
  
May put your arms around me  
  
What you feel is what you are  
  
And what you are is beautiful  
  
Run away I wanna wake up where you are  
  
I won't say anything at all  
  
Yeah slide And I'll do anything you ever  
  
Dreamed to be complete  
  
Little pieces of the nothing that, fall  
  
And I'll do anything you ever  
  
Dreamed to be complete  
  
Little pieces of the nothing that, fall Oh Oh Oh slide  
  
(Just slide between the sheets of all the beds you never knew)  
  
Yeah slide  
  
Why don't you slide into my room  
  
Just slide into my room  
  
Oh, we'll run away, run away, run away"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~* Ben had woken up long before sunrise and packed, he sat on a chair watching Lucas sleep for hours before he opened his eyes. He didn't know what Lucas had thought about what had happened. He couldn't pretend to not love the boy in a way that was more than friendship. He loved Lucas, but he knew Lucas wasn't in love with him. But Lucas had needed it, he needed someone to make him feel something good again. And Ben knew that they loved each other enough to do it.  
  
Lucas had seemed to be afraid, or maybe it was the lack of experience that made him so held back. His body was so undeniably feminine, soft and tiny. In all his years Ben had never felt another man who was as soft as Lucas. But this morning he was petrified, but all he had to do was get the boy to the SeaQuest and leave. He just couldn't let any of the things that had passed between them leave this room. He had tried to fill the empty space in Lucas's heart. Even if it was only filled for one day. It was too bad that the boy was so young and secluded on that ship. He could make anyone happy, he could have anyone he wanted.  
  
"Ben?" Lucas sat up, scratching his head and yawning, "What time is it?"  
  
"Noon."  
  
The boy jumped off the bed and came over to the older man. He wrapped his arms around Ben's neck affectionately and kissed his neck.  
  
"Not now kid- we have to get going." Ben stood up and threw some clothes on the chair next to Lucas, "Get dressed."  
  
Ben sighed as the boy went into the bathroom, he just had to get Lucas on the SeaQuest. Hopefully he could do that without wanting to turn back to this room, he just couldn't turn one night into another heartache. This was all Lucas's fault anyway, right? Even Ben didn't believe that. When he first met that boy he was cocky and young, but now he was beautiful. He had grown up into the man that Ben always had thought he would. But it was useless to dream about what could be between them.  
  
"Alright. I'm dressed. What now?" Ben looked up and smiled at the boy. He grabbed the bags and walked to the door, just as he had opened it Lucas called out his name. Ben knew what was coming, he turned slowly and looked up into the baby blue eyes staring at him.  
  
"I-I just wanted to say something before we leave this room forever and we pretend last night never happened." He nodded and ran his fingers quickly over his left temple, "I'm sorry. I am. I don't understand why we did-what we did. And I'm not saying I regret it, because I don't regret it-"  
  
"Stop!" Ben threw down the bags and closed the door, "Last-night. What? Did you think you'd just say you don't regret it but 'Sorry Ben for taking advantage of you'? Just do me a favor and stop talking! I know that you don't feel anything for me, I know that you were hurting and needed someone to make it go away, I know that you hope that somehow we forget this and go on as it was but it won't Lucas! And that's the way it goes."  
  
Lucas closed his eyes as Ben picked up the bags once again and walked out of the room. After a moment he opened them again and collecting himself after the shock of the other man's words, he quietly followed.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ben didn't speak the rest of the way, he just drove to the dock. Even on the shuttle he was silent. Lucas just wanted to have him laughing again, to see him smile in that cocky way that had pissed him off and made him laugh so many times. But it wasn't there, just a comatose look on that strong face. He wanted to just shake his head and wake up from this nightmare, to wake up in his bunk with Tony snoring loudly on the bunk beneath him.  
  
The SeaQuest loomed in front of them and there was a sudden jolt when the doors connected. Lucas made sure to grab the bags before Ben had the chance, as the door opened he bolted out and into the Launch Bay. Bridger and some of the crew were waiting for him and immediately Lucas was bombarded with hugs and pats on the back and there were so many voices that he felt as if he would be drowned in them. After a few minutes the crew dispersed to their separate posts and Lucas was left with Bridger, Wendy, and Ben. And after a few more minutes of pleasantries between them all and a few odd glances between Lucas and Ben, Bridger and Wendy left as well.  
  
He wanted to say something to Ben, he wanted to say something that would make it all better. And, for once, he couldn't think of anything.  
  
"I-uh, What I mean to say is that-Thank you-for everything you've done for me." That was it, that was what came rolling out of Lucas's mouth. He felt like an idiot.  
  
"Yeah, you take care Kid." Ben smiled a little and turned to go.  
  
"Ben!" Lucas called out and as the lieutenant turned around he smiled, pausing before he blurted out the first thing that came to him, "Do you remember the time we tried to sell fish poop?"  
  
"If I remember correctly, at the time we didn't know it was poop." Ben laughed and nodded, "We coulda' got a pretty penny for it though."  
  
Lucas nodded as well and sighed, "I know what you think about last night, and I understand." He paused, looking at Ben for a moment before he went on, "I turned to you because I just wanted to feel something besides the pain. You're the best friend I've ever had, and you've helped me in a way that no one else would have. I'm not over Ade, I never will be. I'll always love her and miss her and grieve for her. But I have to live my life."  
  
Ben smiled, "I'll call you, we'll go somewhere, like a road trip. Ok?"  
  
"Yeah.Ok" Lucas grinned and watched Ben board the shuttle.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
'Dear Lucas,  
  
I'm in Miami now. I got your email, yea, I'm coming back soon. You know Luke, the beaches here are great, you'd love them. For a kid who lives under the ocean, you don't really get to enjoy it. Just imagine, golden sand meeting crystal-blue water as far as the eye can see. Did you know that when you go swimming at night the plankton glows? I think I'd glow too if someone was kicking me in my sleep. I'll talk to you soon buddy.  
  
Ben 


End file.
